Deep is Your Love
By:
Jeff and Amy Garland
70's Porn
A table with two chairs, two place mats, two
plates, two forks, two spoon, two wine glasses,
two candle-holders with two candles and two people
sit at this table.
SABELLA and BURT. They should be dressed like 70’s
porn stars. Feathered hair is a MUST.
The collected hits of the BeeGees play softly on
repeat (maybe slightly garbled like its on an old
cassette tape)starting with "More Than a Woman",
Meanwhile, a disco ball lights up the room.
When I was two years old, my father was in a riding
accident. The horse fell on him, crushing both his
legs!
BURT
that’s...what?. ok! thats cool. Thats a Cool story.Uh,
is he ok?
slight pause.
SABELLA
oh no,he was devastated, went through a real tough
time after he lost his legs, but he grew as a person,
and well we all just got use to the drinking. (said
with a smile) And what sort of stories do you have?
BURT
Well uh, this morning I/ killed a small...
SABELLA
Listen to you, being so brave! You don’t have to be
brave around me Burt.
BURT
I don’t?
SABELLA
I know (in a whisper) about the cancer...(in a loud
voice) on your balls.
BURT
How’d you find out...I haven’t told anybody! You
couldn’t possibly know about (loud-whisper) the cancer
on my balls
SABELLA
Well don’t expect me to tell anybody about this. I’m
not a gossip.
BURT
...I guess you must have noticed...
SABELLA
Did I hurt your pride?
BURT
Yes
SABELLA
There’s nothing to be ashamed of, I know tons of guys
with ball cancer, it only slows them down..sometimes.
They can be really active, usually though its pretty
sad.
BURT
This is embarrassing. I’m sorry, this sort of thing
ruins a date. You probably don’t want to have sex now,
huh?...
Burt looks at her with sad puppy dog eyes
...Well I just wanted to let you know, that I know. So
now, we know! And in a way, this is wonderful because
its like fate. I knew when I saw you at that gas
station this morning, I just knew,
I said to myself "Sabella. Thats him! Thats the guy!
the guy everyones been telling you about! You have to
go talk to him!"
BURT
(with fake enthusiasm) And here I thought I was hiding
it so well, going about my life...a stud. I can’t
believe this.
SABELLA
Well, I saw it in a dream. You were running, something
was chasing you, it was pale white. You can’t hide from
my dreams, Burt... Don’t you think it would be so sad
if they accidentally cut off your dick when they did
the surgery for the cancer.
BURT
Yeah, I guess I’d be pretty depressed if they operated
and accidentally cut off my dick instead....
SABELLA
God! We get along so well! We think the same way about
the same things, we both just get it.
BURT
it?
SABELLA
yeah! YEAH! Ex-actly!!! IT, you know? We are so in tune
with each other. Are you a Leo?
BURT
No. Listen, I’m going to go into the kitchen, and put
something on for our meal, ok?
SABELLA
sure
BURT
hey, are TV dinners ok?
SABELLA
I don’t know Burt. I keep keep thinking what I’m hungry
for. This may be crazy, but all I seem to want is your
loaf.
A light comes up on a giant loaf of bread
It’s pretty thick
SABELLA
That’s fine by me, I’ll just unhinge my jaw.
BURT
say, do you like wine?
SABELLA
Wine! Pour it!
BURT
I love this wine. I made this wine. I crushed the
grapes. With my feet.
Burt sips from his glass and gargles for a very
long time.
BURT
You have to gargle it. The saliva releases flavor you
can’t taste otherwise. For instance, that metallic,
acidic, dirt taste? You don’t get that if you don’t
gargle.
Sabella chugs down her glass. Burt refills it. She
chugs it down again. Burt refills it.
SABELLA
All I taste is your feet.
Sabella chugs down her glass of feet-wine.
BURT
You have to gargle, sweetheart. Like this. (gargles
very loudly)
SABELLA
oh, the gargle yes.
Both gargle together, making eye contact
Have you ever thought of being a father?
BURT
Yes, I’d wear a lot of beige
SABELLA
and beyond that?
BURT
I’d eat more hamburger meat
SABELLA
and beyond that?
BURT
Beyond what?
SABELLA
Beyond the beige and meat, Burt? This is important.
This is your Legacy.
BURT
Well, I’d want a little boy. Yeah, and I’d teach him to
play guitar...and he’d have a little brother who played
bass, and a sister on drums, and my youngest would be a
transgender superstar vocalist. S/he would light up the
stage.
SABELLA
and a wife on xylophone
BURT
It’d be like magic
SABELLA
I want to give you that magic Burt. Now. Before its too
late.
Sabella start unbuttoning Burt’s shirt. Burt
pushes her away.
BURT
Hey listen...whoa...stop! We met this morning at the
Kum & Go, don’t you think we are moving a little fast?
SABELLA
Whats wrong?
BURT
You want to make babies...right now?
SABELLA
Yes, There’s no time like the present.
BURT
I just don’t think I’m ready for that kind of
commitment. I mean this isn’t like fish.
SABELLA
No, not at all like fish
pause
BURT
We’d have to be responsible. Make money. I’m not
capable of that.
SABELLA
We don’t choose or lives Burt. They happen to us.
You’re an amazing specimen of man...it would be a shame
to lose your beautiful genes. The world would be a much
worse place
BURT
Yeah? I bet its the moustache
SABELLA
yes, and your elbows
BURT
Haha yeah, I do have pretty nice elbows. Hey look at em
go
Burt shakes his arms like a chicken
So powerful
BURT
Thats me...power.
Pause.
Sabella and Burt embrace. Their hands are all over
each other. Her hand grabs at his crotch
Well...are you clean? I mean, I have to ask, this is
all moving so fast!
SABELLA
More or less yeah, perfectly fine. So, you ready?
BURT
Bella I have something I should tell you.
SABELLA
...this isn’t a lump...
BURT
No.
SABELLA
This...this is
BURT
Now don’t get mad
SABELLA
This is a third testicle...
BURT
This doesn’t have to change anything
SABELLA
Oh my God! You liar! You’re a liar!
BURT
You just kept saying cancer, and then you kept saying
how much you wanted to have sex with me... well, I
thought you would understand, maybe even be excited?
SABELLA
That’s really not the point Burt! So what were you
gonna do when we got naked!?
BURT
Tuck it?
SABELLA
Jesus
BURT
Wait, just wait! Please! I can make it up to you
SABELLA
This is a betrayal... I thought we connected. We got
it. You are NOT a Leo, I can see that now.
Sabella starts to pack to leave.
Sabella, wait. Now I know that I said I had cancer to
get in your pants, but everything else I said was the
truth! I really do want to wear beige, and eat
hamburgers, and travel the country with my performance
power house family!
SABELLA
I’m just not, not sure that I can do this anymore. I
was going to do this, and do you, so everyone in the
town would think, wow, that woman. She has an
interesting choice in men.
BURT
But you do have an interesting choice in men Bella! I
still think having a third testicle is interesting, and
so will the rest of the town. You are right, ball
cancer is far more interesting but I can show you I’m
interesting enough!
SABELLA
There is no hobby great enough to convince me of that,
Burt. You have hurt me for the last time.
BURT
We haven’t even been together long enough for that to
make sense Bella. Just, just give me a chance to prove
it to you!
Sabella really does not believe him.
Okay, Burt. Try. Try to impress me right now. Try to
convince me that I can trust you again.
Burt panics. He screams loudly and hits her across
the face with the loaf of bread.
oh. OH Biiig man.
BURT
I don’t know what came over me
SABELLA
How dare you!? Lie to me? Hit me with bread?
BURT
You put too much pressure on people! All I wanted was
to make sweet sweet love with you, but you kept making
it more and more. How am I supposed to react? You get a
man all riled up and lead him along.
SABELLA
"Lead"? Thats not what I do.
BURT
oh come on, we both know you had answers in mind, and
it was my job to say em exactly like you planned
Sabella takes the bread from his hand and starts
to stuff her mouth. Burt tries to take the bread
from her, but they end up on the ground, wrestling
SABELLA
You bastard!
BURT
You bitch!
they make out.
SABELLA
You taste like sourdough
BURT
I know
SABELLA
I don’t think we should make babies Burt.
BURT
I guess, I’ll just have to go on with out you. I’ve got
to go on somehow. Without you. With only heaven up
above knows how.
SABELLA
There can be no love between us
BURT
Remember I’m not holding anything against you
SABELLA
Goodbye.
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